I`m working towards my goal of having a better body by the end of this summer.
I cut dinners.
And i only eat breakfast and lunch.
This week ive been at the gym twice already and i`m going tomorrow morning as well.
I don`t how much ive lost or even if ive lost anything.
But it certainly doesn`t feel like it.
And i don`t see any other way but to go about this the hard way.
So i guess i`m gonna have to starve.
And believe me i know how wrong this sounds, but it`s the only way.
So i will do what i must.
I see myself well, looking my best, feeling my best.
And i know i will never forgive myself if i dont get there.
And in that case i must do whatever it takes.
Whatever that may be.

I think that is all for the day.
I promise i will try to stay in touch.
And not stay away for so long.

If i had my way.
If only i had my way.

Things would be simple.
None of that “complicated” stuff that makes your heart tight.
For instance…A boy would get over feeling that i “broke his heart” and come back to me. No questions asked.
P boy and F boy would both realize that i don`t want them to leave my life. And that i`m selfish that way because i don`t want to ruin the friendship i have with the both of them. They would get that. And i wouldn’t have to explain.
But…It doesn`t really happen that way.

One thing i can tell you.
I will do what i can to make sure i get A boy back.
I will also change my lifestyle. To the lifestyle i`ve always wanted for myself.
Healthier. With better choices.
I know.
I know that i`ve said this a MILLION times.
And yet i never change. But now i think more then ever, it`s crucial.
If i don`t take into my own hands and do the dam thing then i never will.
It`s all about positivity.
I believe that.
Today once again the Universe sent someone beautiful to reaffirm what i already knew.
I went to visit Anadir and she told me again that it was all about being positive.
I knew that. But hearing it from someone else changes things.

SO I am now deciding to try something.
I`ve been reading this book and in it says: ” human thought if properly focused, had the ability to affect and change physical mass; our thoughts actually interacted in the physical world, whether we knew it or not“
Mind over matter.
Question is: how does that apply to me?
Well that`s easy. In more than many ways.
First. I want so many things out of life and i know that it won`t be easy.
Concentrating might just get me there.
Concentrating on the important things and on goals rather then just letting time pass me by.
A boy. Could be crazy. But maybe concentrating on it might change things.
Like it did with the “ex”.
When i first met him he was all i thought about and as time went by he was mine.
Won’t hurt to try that for sure.
As long as i stay on track i should be safe.
From headache and heartache that is.
So that`s it.
Maybe all i need is high concentration mode.
So i`ll try that. And see how it goes.
My heart feels tight.
And i feel like it`s hard to breathe.
And emotions are running wild because i feel then with all my being.
And no it is not my time of the month.
I think maybe my heart craves change.
It always does. But this time it`s almost as if it were suffocating.
Drowning.
I need to free myself. I need change.
And i think that i should probably work on that.
Through concentration.

See where that goes.
All in order to make sure that my heart won`t harden.

“The mind has the power to encourage the physical world to move in a specific direction; living consciousness somehow is the influence that turns the possibility of something into something real.”

The key to intention is how you train your mind.
And i`m willing to give it a try.
To train my mind to concentrate on the things that matter.

MMM MMM MMM Chuck Bass .

Once again i failed myself. Yupp i ate whatever i wanted.
In my mind i`m still waiting to go see that dietician lady on Monday. Maybe i`m just truly hoping that she will shed me a light and help me get my eating habits on track or something.
I know, i know. I depends entirely on me. I`m aware of that.
But it’s been hard especially while on being on medication that requires you to take it with food, or else the pain is nearly unbearable.
It’s just an anti-inflammatory the doc suggested. I`ll be out of it soontime, before Monday fo sho.
And when i say that i have to take it with food, it actually has to be heavy food because a slice of cheese or some milk won`t do it.
But summer is coming up and i feel like if i don`t take change into my own hands i will keep being unhappy.
And that doesn’t go so well with my new years resolution. Does it ?

Anyway being home today was relaxing.
I needed it.
I needed a break. I needed to do nothing, absolutely nothing for a whole day.
So that i could restore some sanity to myself and be reminded that there is life outside of work and school.
I`m back at it tomorrow though. Yes yes i am.
School at 7:00 a.m and then work.
The usual.

I have a feeling about this summer.
I can’t yet figure out whether it’s a good feeling or a bad one.
For now it’s just a feeling. The feeling that something is going to change.
In regards to myself; and it excites me a bit.
I would really like it of that change involved me; changing. For the better and feeling better.
And meeting someone great.
A change of that nature.

Anyway.
In regards to a love life. Every day it gets easier.
Getting used to being alone and okay with it.
I`m not completely okay with it, but i`m not NOT okay with it either.
I`m just surfing the waves of life and doing my best to enjoy everyday i`m living.
The slightest thought that spending a day in bed means a day wasted, a day that i will never get back truly depresses me.
So i want to. With all my might. To live a better life everyday.

I think that`s it for today.

I know i have been telling myself for about a year now that i need to go back to my original shape. And yet i`m continuously procrastinating. In a few days i will be seeing a dietician for the first time in my life.
The main reason why i opted to see a profession is trully my lack of time.
With working hardcore at school and at my job i have little to no time to make the right choices about the things i eat.
The truth is i`m not happy with my choices. I`m not happy with the way i’ve been doing things latelly.
And this year is the year that i will make that change.
I have so many great things going on in life for me. I feel like this is the missing link to the fullfilling life i’ve always wanted for myself.
I think that the reason why it’s been so challenging for me is because i’ve been almost forcing myself to do things i’m not happy with.
So now i think it’s time for me to do what will make me happy and satisfied with my choice.
I would like to keep a routine of exercising at least 3 days a week. Walking.
And jogging a little bit. I’ve never been a big fan of running. Not even when i used to play soccer or cheerlead in high school.
But it think walking is a good start. And most importantly making sure that this fits my schedule and doesn’t cause me more stress.
I mean all i can really do is try. Give a try. Adopt this lifestyle for a while.
I can’t loose by trying, and if it doesn’t work out then how much worse can i get?
And i`m gonna have to do this on my own because support has been a little decadent lately.
Starting with breakfast. I love bran and cereal and i barely eat it because i don`t have time to prepare it.
But tomorrow i will take it to work because i`m always there in the morning, so i can def take the time to make myself some.
Start my morning right.
Lunch maybe some melba toast with light cream cheese and orange juice, or a salad. Or some crackers with turkey or vice versa.
Snack; fruits and veggies.
Dinner, some protein and veggies again.
No more processed foods, that seems to be the key.
No breads and pastas or fried stuff.
Sounds reasonable. I think.

Other than that i can say i am happy with life.
I`m happy with the choices i’ve been making.
I’m happy at school.
I’m happy with my wonderful job that i cherish, and work my little butt off everyday at it.
I’m happy to have a plan.
I’m happy with myself, with the way my hair looks and my face.
I’m happy as a person.
I’m happy that i’ve finally figured out the truth about certain people and its made it so much easier to deal with it.
“A” boy is still in my mind but i’m not hung up over it.
He hasn’t made any attempts to reconcile and that is fine.
I’m sure that if it’s meant to be, it will.
Like ALL things.
But right now it think it’s time to do me.
And that’s what i’ll be doing until the Universe sends someone otherwise.

OHH, just wanted to mention something real quick.
This will sound silly i’m sure but i’ve been reading ” The Lost Symbol” by Dan Brown and so far it’s been a good read.
Intriguing, and captivating so i’m into it.
Last night as i was doing my “before bed read” the last chapter i read before my blankets embraced my body and my lids fell shut talked about the power of the human mind.
It really caught my attention because it got me wondering how much of it was truth and how much was fiction.
In the book they were studying Noetic Science which is a type of science that explains that the human mind has power over matter if trained well, like meditation.
I totally believe it.
My all time mantra has been : I want to be happy.
And i feel like by just simply saying it and setting my mind towards it i’ve already become happier.
Odd huh?!
But i guess this secret i will keep. The book has proven to be worth the read.
Should anything else interesting come along i’ll post it.

Anyway, lesson of the day…gotta do it on my own.
And if i don’t no one else will.

Once again as of last night i had proof that things really do happen for a reason. Certain people come into your life exactly when they are meant to. To serve a purpose, whatever that may be at the moment.
Like last night, i ran into a friend at a restaurant and after dinner him and I sat down for some chit chat and a few drinks.
We talked about tons and as the wine started to settle down and my brain to wander i told him all about “A” boy. From what had happened between us in the summer till our last disastrous exchange of words.
I sat there and took in everything he had to say. It was good to see my story from a male’s perspective.
Not only that but i was enlightened. Literally.
He told me that i shouldn’t try and that when men want something or someone, they don’t give up just like that. And if they do then it means move on. & that was EXACTLY what my intuition had been telling me all along. I wanted so bad to do something about it that i moved right past the warnings.
While he was telling me all this the thoughts going through my head were a little something like this : “gosh you are so dumb woman. you knew all this, you knew it so well that when your girlfriends were telling you : ” ohh don`t worry he’s just being a guy” or ” there are no rules so you should keep messaging him and wait to see where it goes” you still didn`t go through with the urge. Bottom line is…you should listen to yourself once in a while.”
And that was when the enlightenment was complete. Had i let my intuition do its job i would have saved myself a whole lot of thinking and confusion. Confusion is me not wanting to face what i already know. And i already knew it. I knew that if he wanted me that bad he wouldn’t have just given up. I knew that i shouldn’t go out of my way to stay in touch. Unless he messages me first, then its fair game. I know that i will never settle for “ok” i will stay true to finding someone who’ll be “great”.
Everything does happen for a reason. If its meant to be then it will be. There is nothing i can do to speed up the process. Everything happens at the right time, when it needs to happen.
So the truth of the day is listen to yourself first, your intuition is never wrong and if you take the time to understand it you’ll save yourself from the perks.

Other than that i would like to thank the Universe for such an inspirational and beautiful week, i`m looking forward to next.
The wonderful weather certainly uplifts your soul.
Every morning as i make my way into work i take five minutes to appreciate the horizon, watch the sun as it rises and think to myself how beautiful the world is, and how much i want to love life and being able to live it.

Things are already getting better. Don’t worry.

My new years resolution was to be a better person every day and although i have been better, there is always room for improvement.
I don`t want to waste a day like i did yesterday, in bed crying over spilled milk.
There is so much to do, so many things to see and so many people to meet that i cannot waste time.
Once in a while i get these sparks or should i say spurs of happiness that make me wanna indulge myself in the Universe and enjoy every bit of life without regrets. Now that i think about it i don`t EVER want to loose that feeling and i`ll keep pushing myself to hold on to it as tight as possible.
The best example i can think of happened to me last Wednesday when i got that big fat ticket in the morning and even though it could have ruined my day i didn`t let it. And it turned out to be wonderful, even though it felt like a test to see if i`d be able to move past the perks and enjoy life; and i did.

Now i`m sitting here looking out the window trying to figure out what is keeping me from living how i`ve always wanted to and being the person that i`ve always wanted to be. After all this is what i`m doing … finding myself, reconnecting with the Universe and getting to know it again.
Everything takes time, so i guess that so will this. I have this big perk where i tend to want things to happen yesterday and when they don`t i get very impatient. I know it shouldn`t be that way so there’s another thing i`d like to work on; learn how to give myself sometime and be patient with things, especially people.
One thing at a time, one day at a time.

The dating game isn’t necessary for everyone. I myself, am more of the old school type. I like being courted.
Men are the same, they like you first for the way you look but how much of your personality are they interested in getting to know?
You see in movies, women meet men in the most unexpected places; coffee shops, supermarkets, bars, restaurants or even by falling from a tree ?? None of that applies to real life, at least not to mine.
What are the odds that i will meet someone at a coffee shop, who will buy me a Cinnamon Soy Latte and then complement me on my choice of read and start up a conversation, where we will discuss our lives and arrange for another meeting?
I`d say at a ratio of zero-to-none. & what i am really saying is that, yes maybe he will find me beautiful, but why won`t he make his way over and tell me what he is really thinking. I`m sitting there looking at him & him at me but it never happens that way. I am still to witness a man who is for real about life to approach me and want to get to know me rather than approach me for a one night stand.
I am constantly meeting new people and absolutely adoring it, but i don`t know what is keeping men from knowing me past my looks. Could i be sending mixed signals? I am single, but do i not look it?
I tend to never let anyone get to close to me, to avoid hurting myself and more so them. Once i start dating a guy i always make sure to keep my distance ( and by that i mean i NEVER let myself see where anything will go) and cut it off even before it starts.
Almost like a defense mechanism, I miss out on great people because i`m afraid i will love them as much as i loved “the ex” and i will let my heart in his hands and he could potentially hurt me.
I’ve dated people, great people in every way; but for some reason i just felt like they were made for someone else not me. Until…there is this one person. The one person that once again you let go because you’re afraid. Afraid that he might be great and just what you need. But yet you let them go because you listen to your head before your heart.
His name was A _ _ _ _ _ ( insert name here ) and you regret loosing him every day.
Every evening that you spend alone you realize that you could have been spending it with him. He was right (rather then saying he was perfect, right is better word) for so many reasons, and he came into my life at a time when i was still hung up on “the ex” and still had that little bit of hope that we could work things out, even though it was almost two years off.
Mostly importantly what hurts me the most about letting him go is that he made me happy. I know how hard it can be for someone to make you happy, but i can say that he did and had we actually been together he would have given me the world.
My insecurities had to screw it up. He was there all along and still i never let him in, he was ready to be with me and for us to be happy & i didn’t let him. Now i know what i missed, and it’s too late.
I know he won`t be the last great guy to cross my path, but i still beat myself up with the constant thought of “what could have been” in my head. Maybe he blew me off for being hurt. Maybe he really did move on. But i don’t think i`m ready to give him back to the Universe. Time heals all wounds and maybe that’s what needs to happen between us, and further down i might just make my way back into his life.

I guess what i`m trying to say is that i could see myself loving him. That is big, to me. Big because loving people has been extra hard to me lately. I can`t even love myself, more so other people.
Out of so many misfortunes with so many different men, i did learn one thing…there is no point in lingering.
It didn`t work out with the cute guy in my class ( turns out he’s got a girlfriend ) even though that hasn’t really stopped him from flirting with me, didn’t work out with E _ _ _ the older guy from work ( turns out he`s a creep who only cares about my position within the company and saw me as an “ally” + he`s a pedophile who goes for 17 year old girls ) groosse,  didn’t work out with S _ _ _ _ my grade 12 crush who became this Australia traveling – eye candy – Abercrombie model who only had eyes for me since prom, he went away for a few months and has come back wanting to see me but for some reason it never happens ( turns out that maybe all he feels for me is lust ) and i don`t know how much of that type of girl i am, didn’t work out with A _ _ _ _ _ Mr. Right Guy who fit every requirement on my list of dreams ( my list of dreams consists of every dream i have about how a man should be, it`s called list of dreams because it really is in my dreams, not every man is perfect) so for him to fit that made him a bigger deal then all others and it didn`t work with him either. Now this weekend i had the opportunity of hanging out with some really nice people including P _ _ _ this dirt bike free spirited guy who turns out to be a sweet heart, he invited me and i had a great time but he`s been good as a friend and i don`t know if i can get passed that. Maybe friends is what i`m looking for, not necessarily romance of any kind. I have taken sometime to think about it and came to the conclusion that i have to be VERY physically attracted to someone in order to even give them that chance to get into my heart. In other words no attraction, remaining in the friends department. So once again, i can already predict that it won`t work out between P _ _ _ and i because i can only see him as a friend.

It gets me wondering that maybe; just maybe love isn`t for me.
I really that doesn`t hold truth.
And more so i hope that it happens for the right reasons and not out of desperation.

My patience level this morning is very low which tells me today is going to be challenge.
I`m at school in an advanced Greek Mythology class. I`m into the topic and the T.A seems to be fond of me.
But today being in class just isn’t working, I’ve only been here for about half an hour and i already can’t wait to leave.
That is when i`m faced with a perk ( perk = instead of directly calling my dwellings problems i think that the word perk describes it best; mostly because i want to take a different approach to life where there are no problems only speed bumps or perks and i can work on them)
So back to the perks. This class is 2 hours long and only 45 minutes have passed. Today is probably gonna be a long one judging by the commencement of my day and even though i can’t wait to leave, its two sided because if i leave here i leave to go to work. For the first time since i’ve started working at ________ (insert name) i`m avoiding going to work. Could be due to the fact that i`m very over worked and extremely under paid, or because i have so much responsibility there that i`m starting to feel the weight of it on my shoulders or just the fact that i`m starting to think that i deserve a break. So the chain goes on … I want to be out of school but don’t want to go to work even though that is where i`ll end up, once i`m at work i don`t want to go home.
Home.
That’s a touchy subject to me right now. I could sit here and tell you ALL about the concept i have of a home. It’s not necessarily a good one either.
But in summary i don`t want to go there.
So here is the perk … i’m at school in class and don`t want to be here…i go to work and get flustered with resposibilities that make me not want to be there either…from work i go home and look for excuses to leave.
How to solve this one?
Mmm i think its best to just live a day at a time. I know i have bad days but really good ones too and like i said yesterday i will live today to the best of my ability.
Maybe the Universe is testing me. Testing how determined i am to live better. Could be the explanation of this morning’s perk.
So i should just remember my oath to myself and stay true to it.

Thank you Universe for giving me wisdom to recognize that i can make my life better and the strenght to work towards it!